This Spring, glorious as it is, I often seem to be stuck in sad emotions and the inability to move forward in making decisions about the future. I awaken each day with a practice of remembering my identity as a beloved child of God, intending to stay conscious of the “we-ness” of approaching each moment. Yet I must confess this good stance is soon battered by both personal news and world news.
Yesterday, after reading about world crises in the newspaper, I received the sad news of my beloved nephew’s unexpected death. His younger brother called me, devastated. He, understandably, feels orphaned, having also lost his father, my big brother, just last year. Thousands of miles separate us. Still, I felt his aloneness as well as my own. Laden with grief and sorrow, the day unfolded in unhappy confusion. There were decisions to be made but no clarity or initiative in me.
Gratefully, I do not feel orphaned. I have long loved and leaned into the one who promised comfort, saying, “I will not leave you orphaned.” When Jesus said that to his disciples* he assured them that the “Spirit of truth” would come to live in them forever, to be their ever-present “Advocate.” Trusting this, today I ask, “What is the Spirit of truth showing me now?”
It is obvious but there is so much resistance in me. What a servant I am to the culture of doing! When I stop and prayerfully reflect and listen, there is guidance. No, wait, choose life, the Spirit says. Abandon decision-making if it is not absolutely necessary right now. I don’t have to know where to live and when to move right now. That can wait. Abandon over-scheduling. I can cancel appointments that are not essential right now. Most important is to take time for rest, grief, comfort, restoration. Maintenance is ok, but no need to prepare for major change or implementation right now. I learned again yesterday that I cannot address choices well with grief clutching my heart and mind.
This is the truth now. I feel so much lighter with the blessed freedom to gratefully reflect on memories of my nephew’s life. To pray for his spirit. To reach out to family members. To tend to the mystery of death and hope in suffering.
I remember Henri Nouwen once describing Jesus’ embrace as one arm for purification through suffering and one arm for union through joy. I remember others expressing the truth that suffering and joy are more alike than they are different. So today, cherishing both arms, I am leaning into that embrace. It is radiant with truth and mystery. There, and only there, is everything I need.
–Ann Dean, Dayspring Church
Reflection Questions
- When do you feel orphaned?
- Who helps you remember the values of self-care and rest?
- What is the Spirit of truth showing you today?
