Loss has made me a misfit. Lost in my own life. My older brother died recently. Though I had in many ways been hoping for his release from the sufferings of disease, even expected it for about a week, it came as a shock. And with the shock, came a world of paralyzing sorrow. Strong family roots, shared values and experiences, him… all gone.
Bereft and grieving, I have been saturated with heavy emotions while feeling strangely empty at the same time. Of course I am aware this dimension of suffering is known to everyone. Death is part of everyone’s life. I’ve experienced it before with my parents’ deaths. Though now I remember clearly, I had forgotten how intensely lonely, separating and defining is grief. It must, and can only be, held close.
I wish I remembered what helped in the past. Beauty is comforting. So I keep going to the woods, the pond, walking the trails and meadows amongst spring wildflowers. Breathing fresh air, taking in the fragrance of honeysuckle. One day, I sat on a bench, wept, and wrote my brother a letter.
I wish I could say prayer has helped but it seems awkward right now, and stilted. So I just trust that will shift in time, as in the past. By faith I do know the Spirit lives in me, is at home in me and will help as I am ready and able to open. Jesus promised.* He said he would not leave those who love him “orphaned.” I feel like an orphan, but I believe him. It helps that he named grief so clearly and knew what comfort to offer. The Spirit would remind his followers of everything he said and provide counsel. I am reminded and am counting on that counsel to come and even be at work now, deep within.
For now, I find rest in gratitude. My love letter to my brother was the first move, pulsing with gratitude. I notice my heart, now sparked, continues quietly looking for encouraging sources of gratitude. The new iris blooms by the bird feeder, the puppy’s enthusiastic affection, soothing rainfall on the roof. Though I feel apart from everything in some way, a misfit, the Spirit reminds me that my grief will turn to joy. It comforts me to know Someone within is advocating for that.
–Ann Dean, Dayspring Church
Reflection Questions
- How has grief shaped new hope in your life?
- What in nature has been a doorway for your healing?
- Are you drawn to refresh the power of gratitude as a personal practice?
